


Message could not be delivered

by apfelmarmelade



Category: Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anxiety Issues, Gen, M/M, StrifehartValentinesWeek2017, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9665354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apfelmarmelade/pseuds/apfelmarmelade
Summary: Cloud never got the hang of using a phone when he was away. And he really didn't plan on starting to but Leon was a convincing bastard.For the StrifehartValentinesWeek2017





	

**Author's Note:**

> Beta reading is a thing but not when you try to get the story out as close to the timeline for an event as possible. And I was still late...sorry....
> 
> Also, I wrote this with them as a couple (or on their way there) in mind but you can very easily read this as gen. I am not even sure if I am allowed to count this as an entry for 'love' in the StrifehartValentineWeek event, but it is what inspired me to write this so meh. And well actually, this is probably just a looong ramble with a bit of something else stuck to the end so if you get some enjoyment out of this, I would be delighted to hear from you, my friend!

Cloud had never been good at the whole 'keeping in contact thing'.  
  
It had been his mom who wrote him letters, keeping him informed about about the going ons one whole continent away. It had still been kind of easy then. He sometimes forgot to write in a timely manner and he would get the next letter before he had answered the last one, but he managed.  
  
It had been some time until he managed to get his hands on an actual PHS and had a chance to NOT be in contact with people that weren't talking to him face to face. Even afterwards there weren't a lot of people in his contact list that required any kind of reply to messages sent. It didn't really stand out when he wasn't always available on his phone. And anyway, ShinRa was a small world in itself, there was always other ways to reach people there.  
So really, an argument could be made for him just not being used to be around a phone. Going from distance communication only by letter to available all the time is a big change after all, one that can take a long time.  
  
  
The only people that he would have answered his phone for in his life after ShinRa were with him 24/7 until they weren't. That was when people started to take note. That was when people started to scold him for not answering. For not replying to texts or picking up calls. That was when people started to have talks with him, asking in hushed voices if everything was okay. If they could somehow make it easier for him to pick up, was there something they did wrong, how could they help.  
And it made everything just that much worse. He understood that it made people worry when he didn't reply to them. He really got that. After all, he had been on the other end of that treatment himself. Everyone did it once in a while, most not even on purpose. But he just kept slipping back into that habit of just leaving replying for later and then he forgot and there would be words. He would have a bad conscience and the next few times he would make an effort to not delay calling back but that only lasted for so long.

  
Then their world collapsed. They got separated. And when he found them again he was more than happy but it also brought back people he had a reason to communicate with on his phone and with it his bad habits.  
Only this time they were worse. Before, it had mostly been a slip of mind, him just forgetting to answer. Now, weeks went by with him not having one look at his phone display. Sometimes it would just die, without him noticing, days ago. And sometimes he would register every message he received. And he would stare at the display for a long time. But he just couldn't bring himself to get into that state of mind where he could just open the stupid messenger application and read the damn text. Sometimes he would just stare at the unread message notice. At the senders name and the preview it provided. And then he would just swipe it away. Maybe he would have a look at it later. He probably wouldn't.

  
His friends didn't understand it any more then they did before. They didn't get his complete absence. They didn't get why he wouldn't even answer when they wrote him messages and left him voice messages, asking after his health, imploring him to please call back right now because they were worried. How could he ignore those kind of messages, asking if he was dead, lying in a ditch somewhere. And Cloud knew this wasn't normal and not how anyone should treat their friends. He knew this was a viable way to loose them. And most of the time he couldn't bring himself to care enough.  
It took him some time to start to realize that this was just a symptom of a whole other underlying issue.  
  
By that time, he had met Leon.  
  
Not just been introduced, as he had been months before. They had taken their time getting to know, and later, to stand each other. There had been no outside force coercing them into a friendship. They had mutual friends and that was the extend of their involvement. But maybe it was wrong to say there was no outside force if your friends are like their friends. People who wouldn't stand for leaving people out of their gatherings, weather they wanted to be part of it or not.  
This made it inevitable that they got to know each other, that they became acquaintances that wouldn't turn the other way when meeting on the street. And later, they would sometimes even talk to each other of their own accord. Leon immediately took the chance and recruited him for the Restoration cause. Cloud didn't particularly mind. It gave him something to direct his thoughts into. And it gave his days a structure he hadn't seen the need for before.

  
Still, he would leave. Most of the time he wouldn't really see it coming himself. Sometimes things just got too much. He was in over his head. And before he knew it he found himself again in the dark depths or in the coliseum, just away mainly. It was like he was on autopilot and the only rational thing seemed to be to just get away and leave it all. And once he realized what had happened again, he would just stay instead of going back. It just seemed too daunting. Too overwhelming. 

He never looked on his phone during the days that would followed. He registered the tone of every incoming message with a spike of anxiety. Hoped that they weren't urgent. That people didn't worry. That those messages weren't cries for help and they were trying to reach him while the town got run over by heartless. He would do mindless tasks or train until his anxiety was laying low enough for him to even consider opening the phone screen and gather his courage to go home. Sometimes it took him weeks to get there. Until the day it didn't. Until the day it had been 2 months and he knew he wasn't even close to touching the phone.

  
He was at the coliseum this time, just waisting his time by fighting in every tournament he could get into. He hadn't exactly set out with the goal of dominating every single one in mind but it gave his mind something to latch on to.  
This was his second fight this week and he was on his way to the ring. The underground corridor was dimly lit but he could see all the way to the door at its end. There was someone standing a few columns away from it. He couldn't not pay attention to the figure since there wasn't a lot else around to substitute. And just a few paces later he recognized the man.

  
It was Leon and he was watching him come closer. He couldn't turn around now. It was too late. He could feel his heart rate speed up and something was touching and squirming against the inside of his stomach. He became too aware of his breathing, of his chest extending and retracting and he wasn't sure anymore if he should consciously control those motions or if he would just stop breathing if he left it to instincts. Every step was a conscious effort, not sure which direction it was supposed to carry him and what did he usually do with his hands when he walked? It became a struggle to keep his neck straight and his head up or was it too straight and he was keeping himself from breathing?  
  
And then he had reached Leon and he stopped. Forced himself to look at the man and his mind was already running and trying to come up with some story or an excuse why he was here. Why he wasn't at home. Why he hadn't answered his phone.

But Leon just said "The ship is outside" and started walking. His face didn't show the anger or disappointment he had expected. So he followed. His mind was still racing, trying to put his excuse together. If not for Leon, then for everyone else waiting at home. This was merely an extension of time.  
When the finally reached the ship and Cloud got on board after Leon, his nervousness hadn't lessened by a lot but he was coming to terms with what was going to happen. It had to, really, sooner or later. He knew that.  
  
The take off was silent on both of their ends. Cloud wasn't sure if he would have preferred it this way. And then Leon started talking again once they were safely set on their course. He turned around.  
  
'You know everyone was worried enough to sent me out to get you, right?'  
  
Shame rushed trough him like poison. He lowered his had. He couldn't stand to look into Leon's eyes right now.  
  
'Do you still have your phone on you?'  
  
'Yes.' It was better to wait for a follow up question. He would mix up his excuses if he rushed in now. If he just kept breathing in and out.  
  
'Why haven't you used it then.'  
  
There it was. The critical moment. He had done this often enough to know how to set up his story, how much he should leave to imagination and how much he should embellish the truth.

And then he looked up to start talking and saw Leon, just sitting there. Waiting patiently for an answer without a glimmer of the worries he just spoke about in his expression. And he couldn't take it anymore.  
Cloud broke down.

  
He tried to hold them back, but the tremors started and brought tears and hiccuping with them. He couldn't stop. He tried, god he tried, but at this point he was barely able to breath, he swallowed mouth after mouth of air, trying to get it past the lump that had formed in his throat and failing. Because there were words trying to escape his mouth at the same time, bubbling up from deep down and he couldn't control them.  
  
'I don't want to do this Leon! I don't know why- why I keep doing it but I want it to s-stop and I don't know how-. I just want- I want it to be over why can't I ma-ke it stop! Why do I repeat this ove-over and over and over aga-ain and expect different...results like a mad man-please...I don't know how long....how....'  
  
The break out was short lived. He could feel his breathing evening out again, back to just eating air like candy floss. He was calming down.  
  
Leon looked decidedly awkward. Inbetween it had seemed like he had wanted to reach out but he had decided against it in favor of giving him his space and letting him get it out of his system. Now neither of them knew how to continue.  
But Leon sensed they couldn't just leave it at this. So he made a few false starts before finally deciding how he wanted to phrase his next words.  
  
'I...don't really know how to help you.' Leon grimaced. It seemed to cost him to admit it.  
  
'It seems neither do you. But you can't keep doing this, Cloud.' Cloud gave a breathy, short laugh at that. He knew as much.  
Leon ignored his reaction. Instead he went on carefully.  
  
'So how about this. Next time this happens, can you try and come to me? You can just stay at my place, I won't tell anyone you are there. No questions asked, no pressure.  And you just take your time figuring stuff out. So we'll know you are safe and you you won't get pestered by us. And then we can work on figuring out the rest...Sounds like a deal?'  
  
If Cloud was honest with himself, he wasn't sure if he could keep his end of the deal. But this felt like Leon was throwing him a lifeline. And he wanted to take it. Desperately. So he raised himself upright and nodded once.  
  
This seemed enough for Leon because he turned his attention back to keeping them on track back home. He didn't speak one more word. And all the while, Cloud, even though he was dreading the meeting with everyone at home, was gathering his nerves to go through all the messages that had piled up during his absence. It felt right a step in the right direction already.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This one actually hits home pretty hard for me. A lot of this is written from my own experience. And I always kinda saw Cloud as someone who would struggle with similar things. That's probably the reason he's been a fav of mine for so long haha  
> I tried pretty hard to get the balance between 'some things you have to work through by yourself' and 'knight in shining armour' right. I hope it translates >.


End file.
